Sexy Science Fact #28 – THROAT BALLS

I am going to try really hard not to make a million teabag jokes in this post. I WILL TRY, OK?

But really. Camel dudes have throat balls. I mean not exactly, in that their actual literal gonads are not in their throats. But they have this thing:

no idea of original source, sorry!

I mean. Throat balls, amirite?

Those danglies are called a dulaa (or dulla or dhula, or doula? who knows) and come from part of the soft palate but really they are just sugar lumps stored in the mouth.

When Mr. Camel is getting all tingle in his dingle, he breathes in and then whooooooshes that air out through his mouth bollocks. (Please watch this video with sound if you can!)

As you might expect, the bigger the sexier. Bigger sacks mean more testosterone which the ladies are SUPER into….. which leads to….!

Shivji Joshi / Nation Geographic Your Shot

Guys, can I please have a pat on the back because there were NO teabag jokes. *tear* I am growing up.

 

Kudos to my friend Conni who suggested this topic!!

 

 

 
Sources

• Reproductive Processes in Camels (Camelus dromedarius), R Yagil, (Israel Journal of Veterinary Medicine) note: this is an MS Word document that will open when you click it.

 

Sexy Science Fact #26 – PEEN WORMS

Some may say that all worms are kind of wang-like. Right? Floppy, long, usually some shade of pinkish brown.

But there is ONE WORM (phylum) that stands above all others in the battle of the bulge! That, my friends, is the Priapulida – pretty literally the penis worm.

Shunkina Ksenia / Wikimedia

I’m gonna let you think about that one for a moment.

The priapulida worm’s suggestive form comes from the dome – sorry, the “introvert” or “prosoma” – that can be turtlenecked back inside of the rest of the body. The introvert is basically just a casing for the mouth area.

Nicklas Wijkmark

The priapulida worm gets its name from the Greek god Priapus, who is literally the god of the one-eyed-monster and is typically depicted with a permanent raging boner.

Marie-Lan Nguyen / Wikimedia

Priapulid sexy times are actually pretty uninteresting. They spew their goodies into the water and hope for the best. Sorry for the let down!

BONUS STORY TIME! When I was in grad school, I taught a lab on priapulids. Priapulids are filter feeders and basically suck water in one end and squirt it out the other. One of my female students picked up a worm to look at its anatomy and was holding it at about waist level as it was squirting water back into the tank. She looked at me and said, “Huh, this must be what it feels like to be a guy.”
Sources

• Reproduction of Marine Invertebrates V2: Entoprocts and Lesser Coelomates, A Giese (Book)
• Priapulida – Penis Worm (Encyclopedia of Life)

Sexy Science Fact #21 – SPERM PARASITES

Deep sea anglerfish look like a shrunken head with long teeth and a flashlight popping out.

Monterey Bay Aquarium Research Institute

So basically they look like a horror movie wrapped in a nightmare. Which is maybe unfair, but SORRY NOT SORRY ANGLERFISH? Sometimes you look like snot instead, maybe that is better?

T Pietsch via livescience

But sometimes that is just how it goes. But I know, I know. You are just searching for love. And by searching for, I mean waiting for love to find them. And by love, I mean a set of testicles.

Those fishies above are the LADIES and they are seeking a bang buddy. Or two. Or three. Or whatever. They swim around leaving their scent in their path.

The dudes, the tiny little dudes, have big eyes and nostrils and are swimming through the deep dark waters hoping for a whiff or glance of a sexy mama. And once they find her, they LATCH ON FOR LIFE and become a literal part of their woman.

These teeny swimmers absorb INTO their wifey. They basically don’t have any organs other than ‘nads, so they get all of their life-sustaining goods (food! oxygen!) from their host/sugar mama.

Remember that picture of the snot-fish? That little blob on top? That’s her sugarbaby.

modified from above

They in turn provide her with a supply of their own teeny swimmers, so all the hard work of finding a baby daddy is done!

Here is a weird-ass Animal Planet video that has an animation of how this would work with humans?? Because that is clearly what we need here.

BUT THERE’S MORE! And by more, I mean more sperm. Because sometimes she will end up with more than one fella attached.

no good source for this, sorry!

Get it gurrrl!

EDIT! Someone asked: But where does fertilization take place?! Still just spewed into the ocean? Which is a TOTALLY AWESOME QUESTION!

The answer is YES, they still spew! Most fish use external fertilization, aka dumping their goods into the water on top of each other, and anglerfish are no exception. Scientists think the lady has some hormonal control over when her parasitic testicles release their sperms so timing usually works out well.

Sources

• Dwarfed Males Parasitic on the Females in Oceanic Angler-Fishes (Pediculati Ceratioidea), CT Regan (Proceedings of the Royal Society of London B)
• Oceanic Anglerfishes: Extraordinary Diversity in the Deep Sea, T Pietsch (Book)
• Dimorphism, parasitism, and sex revisited: modes of reproduction among deep-sea ceratioid anglerfishes (Teleostei: Lophiiformes), T Pietsch (Ichtyological Research)

Sexy Science Fact #20 – PEEN BOMBS

BEES!

Arrested Development

I really think bees have the best RANDOM POP CULTURE bits associated with them.

The Wicker Man

BUT SPEAKING OF BITS!

Bees have their own special form of banging. It involves a queen bee doing a fancy mating flight where she gets to frolic with 10 or so drones (bee dudes, not Amazon delivery machines) one after the other. Get it girl!

But what about those drones? They seem pretty okay with the fact that they are not going to be the queens one-and-only and also pretty okay with the fact that after bumping uglies, his uglies are gonna explode way resulting in his death.

Wait, WHAT?

OK so first, he mounts his queen and his inner trouser snake flips to an outtie as he goes for her cave of wonders. Sounds pretty normal so far, right? But the outtie-making requires weird pressure from inside his body so he’s now PARALYZED while INSIDE. But I guess we’ve all been there right? Knocking boots can be INTENSE. BUT THEN he spews his magic juice FORCEFULLY into the queen, resulting in his disco stick EXPLODING OFF inside her. (This helps the jizzjazz stay inside.) He then falls dramatically to his death.

THEN! The queen goes for it again and again. And maybe a few more times tomorrow, storing the swimmers until she’s ready to lay eggs.

Sources

• An anatomical study of the mating process in the Honeybee, J Woyke & F Ruttner (Bee World)
• Asian Honey Bees: Biology, Conservation, and Human Interactions, B Oldroyd & S Wongsiri (Book)

Sexy Science Fact #17 – TRIPLE HOO-HAWS

ANATOMY LESSON!

I know you’re all good, well (sex) educated humans and know what a VAGINA is. But just in case you’re unsure, let’s review! Most lady mammals (with a few exceptions) have three holes in their junk region. A boo-hole for poo (also sometimes fun sexy times!), a urethra for wiss (occasionally for sexy fun time, but PLEASE BE CAREFUL if that’s your thing), and a general sexy fun time/baby-makin’ hole – the “vaginal opening” which is part of the vulva. The VAGINA ITSELF is internal.

Here is what it looks like in cows (and it’s similar in most mammals), because cows are funny.

Gyeongsang National University

Unless you’re a gynecologist or spend some time getting really up close and looking inside, you probably haven’t seen a vagina since you were born and passed through. I KNOW that in this blog I use slang words for “vagina” but actually mean vulva sometimes, but TOO BAD. Today we’re being anatomically correct – VAGINA MEANS VAGINA.

Anyway, now that that’s over with, let’s talk about WEIRD VAGINAS.

Specifically the marsupial vageen. Which looks like this:

This picture is everywhere, but I have no idea who drew it. Taken from Not Exactly Rockt Science

Well not exactly like that. That is a weird disembodied genital blob that reminds me of that Treehouse of Horror episode where Homer enters 3D world and doesn’t feel safe till he finds the erotic cakes. (What is up with the squares on the bottom??) But I digress.

Marsupials, the freaky-almost-exclusively-Australian group of mammals, like the kangaroo (which the picture above is based on) have THREE HOO-HAWS. The middle wadge is for the baybay to come through. It’s smushed in there with all three tubes, so the little one has to be very small when it’s born, and then spends time growing in the pouch of its mama. The two side whisker biscuits are for spunk collection – and, fun fact, many male marsupials have double headed schlong so they can cum into both vagoos at the same time! Check out this opossum wang:

Ellen Rathbone / An Adirondak Naturalist in Michigan

Final thought! Horrifyingly, at least to me, kangaroos can be perpetually pregnant. Do you see how they have two uteri in that picture? They can have a spare bun in the oven ready to do it’s thing immediately after they give birth. Some things to think about the next time you see this derpy face.

Fun Online

Sources

• Walker’s Mammals of the World, R Nowak (book)
• Kangaroos Have Three Vaginas, E Yong (Not Exactly Rocket Science)

Sexy Science Fact #11 – BANG ANCHORS

Captain Obvious Sez: “Whales don’t have legs.” DUH. If they did, they’d look hilarious, as you can see by this picture of me riding a legged whale:

Doomgirl333 / Deviantart

JUST KIDDING. That picture isn’t of me. Thanks Doomgirl333 for letting me borrow your drawing!

Anyway, whales don’t have legs. This is common knowledge… probably? But did you know that WHALE ANCESTORS WALKED AND HAD LEGS? CRAZY. So whales still have some of these leg-bone-like-things in their skeletons.

University of Arkansas

VESTIGIAL means evolutionarily useless (though maybe useful in the evolutionary past). So like human coccyx, eyes in blind cavefish, or your ex’s brain HEY-O. See that pelvis? Vestigial! Pelvises support legs. Whales have no legs. So whale pelvises are useless. Thanks for reading.

WAIT! IS IT OVER?? THIS IS THE LEAST SEXY SEXY SCIENCE FACT EVER???!

Calm yo tits! THE SEXY PART COMES NOW!

That pelvis MAYBE HAS A USE AFTER ALL! If you know anything about whale love staffs, you might know they are huge and prehensile(ish). But to help whales with the figurative motion in the ocean, their winkles are anchored to their pelvic bones, helping them wiggle their pickle for easier banging! BANG ANCHORS. BANCHORS. NEW BAND NAME, I CALL IT.

Modified from Dines et al 2014

Also, the bigger the BANCHORS, the bigger the balls. Or the bigger the balls, the bigger the BANCHORS. Even when accounting for size of the whale! So a small whale with huge beanbags will also have huge pelvic bones, huger than you’d expect based on their size.

So… check out those SUPER HOT pelvic bones! If that’s what you’re into! Maybe you’re into small pelvic bones! It’s your call! All bodies are beautiful! *sexy cat noise*

Sources

• Sexual selection targets cetacean pelvic bones, Dines et al (Evolution)
• Long-forgotten secrets of whale sex revealed, Feltrman (Washington Post)

Sexy Science Fact #8 – DINO DONGS

DINO DONGS?? That is not a typo for what your doorbell says. It is instead… the million dollar question! (Or maybe 65 million year old question?) For the record, I do not suggest you google image “dinosaur penis“.

Peens are made of soft tissue… yes I said “peen” and “soft” in the same sentence. HILARIOUS is what I do. Anyway! Soft tissue doesn’t generally fossilize well*, and no one has ever actually found a dinosaur willie. But if you care at all about evolution and fossils, you might know that no fossil does not equal no evidence.

Birds and crocodiles are the closest bros of dinosaurs. Birds are descended from dinosaurs (theropods, specifically), so technically, you’re actually getting a bucket of Kentucky Fried Dinosaur. Think about that. From majestic Argentinosaurus to… this…

FunnyPica

ANYWAY! Most birds actually don’t have weewees (see Sexy Science Fact #2). But the most ancestral groups (ostriches and waterfowl) do! In case you want to see something horrifying, this is what an ostrich wang looks like:

wilis / naturepixels.org

Crocodiles, the closest non-dinos to dinos, also have peepers, and in case you were curious what a croc handy-j might look like, here you go:

Herpy Image Archive

SO because dino relatives have the D, we can assume that dinos probably also had the D. DINO-D. Maybe someday someone will unearth one!

FUN FACT! Scientists have really no idea how dinosaurs banged. There are lots of theories, but basically how the larger/heavier and pointier dinos got their weiners/cloacas close enough to pass spunk is anyone’s guess.

*This is pretty much my favorite story from my Real Job. When I teach kids about fossils, I talk about how they are formed and use myself as an example. “First, I would have to die. Then usually all my soft parts are either eaten or rot away, so all that is left are hard parts – my bone, teeth, and nails.” And one time one kid raised her hand and was like, “And your heart!” And I was like, goddamn little kid, how did you figure out my heart was made of stone THAT FAST.

Sources

• How Did Dinosaurs Have Sex? [Except], B Switek (Scientific American) 

Sexy Science Fact #6 – PSEUDO PEENIES

Penises are just for dudes right? WRONG! (sort of) The spotted hyena has a specialized clit called a PSEUDO PENIS (capable of getting a woodie!) and no vulva (remember: vaginas are internal! vulvas are the external part! these broads still have internal vaginas!). It looks like this:

Szykman et al

That is NOT a willie. That’s a pseudo penis!

So… the million dollar question is… HOW DO THEY BANG? The million dollar answer? Think about it. In mammals, fellas insert their schwingschwong into their sweetie’s bajingo. In spotted hyenas, the gent inserts his peen into her pseudo peen! Yipe!

While this is possible, it’s not exactly easy so the bloke has to have pretty much full consent from the doll. She’s already bigger, stronger and is pointy on 5 of 6 ends (or 5 of 7 if you include the junk as an end). It doesn’t always work. (“Is it in yet?”) Sex is like that. Keep trying!

Szykman et al

To get in, he’s gotta squat under to reach her goods. At first it looks like this:

which looks pretty funny, but if you’ve ever caught a glance of yourself in the mirror while doin’ it, you know that… sometimes sex looks funny. Doesn’t matter; had sex.

Anyway, after he’s in, he pulls her pseudo penis back and it looks like regular doggie-style animal banging, so no need for more pics.

BONUS! Ladies both piss AND GIVE BIRTH through this member. Tell a (human) dude this fact. That there is a species that pushes a baby through a (pseudo) peen. See his reaction.

Sources

• Courtship and mating in free-living spotted hyenas, M Szykman et al (Behaviour)

Sexy Science Fact #5 – LADY BONERS

Today we’re talking about LADY BONERS. It’s cool if you have lady boners for people like Adrian Brody or Rhianna or Idris Elba or Natalie Dormer. It’s totally normal and you should feel good about it! BUT TODAY IS NOT ABOUT YOU, SORRY DEAL WITH IT.

Today is about BARK LICE. GROSS, right? But wait, trees don’t have hair, and don’t itch, so I guess that’s OK and not that gross after all?

But what some bark lice (specifically those in the genus Neotrogla) do have is… REVERSED COUPLING ROLES. This is a totally sexist way of saying that the LADY Neotrogla get BONERS. For serious. Their boner-organ is called a “gynosome” and it gets hard and is then INSERTED into the dude’s no-no area where it collects spunk to be used to fertilize her eggs. As far as we know, Neotrogla are the only animals where the female PENETRATES the male during copulation. WOMEN CAN DO ANYTHING, HEAR THAT? (OK, of course human ladies can do some penetrative things to human dudes, but that does not result in BABIES.)

Super hot barklouse-on-barklouse action!

Yoshizawa et al

Here is a porn-y picture someone drew of what happens:

Yoshizawa et al

FORTY TO SEVENTY HOURS LATER, the sex is over. Seriously. I don’t have time for that kind of thing, but then again, I am not a bark louse, so I have that going for me.

FOOD FOR THOUGHT! This discovery has caused biologists to think about naming of sexy bits. Penis = male part that penetrates female; Vagina = female part that is penetrated by male. BUT WHAT HAPPENS WHEN THIS IS REVERSED? Is it a “female penis” and a “male vagina”? Is a penis inherently male and a vagina inherently female? WHY DO WE HAVE NARROW AND CULTURALLY BIASED IDEAS ABOUT REPRODUCTIVE STRUCTURES, SEXES, AND ROLES? *mic drop*

Sources

• Female Penis, Male Vagina, and Their Correlated Evolution in a Cave Insect, K Yoshizawa et al (Current Biology)
• Female insect uses spiky penis to take charge, R Nuzzo (Nature)

Sexy Science Fact #1 – QUADRO-DONGS!

Echidnas are freaky, sorry I mean Australian, mammals that look like anteaters but are actually weird. They have cloacas, like birds, and also like birds lay eggs. The hombres have a FOUR HEADED willy.

WARNING THIS IMAGE IS GRAPHIC AND CREEPY!
*
*
*
*
*
DON’T SAY I DIDN’T WARN YOU, PEOPLE!

*
*
*
*
*
LAST CHANCE TO BAIL!
*
*
*
*
*

image source: National Geographic

But let’s hear it for the LADIES! They have a sort of double branched magic tunnel. Only two of the four heads are used at at time during mating because… where would the other two go?? And apparently the heads switch off. So 1 and 2 are used first, then 3 and 4 used next (imagine they are numbered left to right?), and sometimes they are used in succession with the same dame! POW POW POW POW!

Bonus! Scientists really have no idea what’s going on with echidna sex or why this evolved.

Sources

• The Tasmanian Echidna’s Four-Headed Penis, Lucy Cooke (National Geographic)
• Adaptations of the short-beaked echidna Tachyglossus aculateus for sperm production, particularly in an arid environment., RC Jones, et al (Australian Mammology)