Sexy Science Fact #21 – SPERM PARASITES

Deep sea anglerfish look like a shrunken head with long teeth and a flashlight popping out.

Monterey Bay Aquarium Research Institute

So basically they look like a horror movie wrapped in a nightmare. Which is maybe unfair, but SORRY NOT SORRY ANGLERFISH? Sometimes you look like snot instead, maybe that is better?

T Pietsch via livescience

But sometimes that is just how it goes. But I know, I know. You are just searching for love. And by searching for, I mean waiting for love to find them. And by love, I mean a set of testicles.

Those fishies above are the LADIES and they are seeking a bang buddy. Or two. Or three. Or whatever. They swim around leaving their scent in their path.

The dudes, the tiny little dudes, have big eyes and nostrils and are swimming through the deep dark waters hoping for a whiff or glance of a sexy mama. And once they find her, they LATCH ON FOR LIFE and become a literal part of their woman.

These teeny swimmers absorb INTO their wifey. They basically don’t have any organs other than ‘nads, so they get all of their life-sustaining goods (food! oxygen!) from their host/sugar mama.

Remember that picture of the snot-fish? That little blob on top? That’s her sugarbaby.

modified from above

They in turn provide her with a supply of their own teeny swimmers, so all the hard work of finding a baby daddy is done!

Here is a weird-ass Animal Planet video that has an animation of how this would work with humans?? Because that is clearly what we need here.

BUT THERE’S MORE! And by more, I mean more sperm. Because sometimes she will end up with more than one fella attached.

no good source for this, sorry!

Get it gurrrl!

EDIT! Someone asked: But where does fertilization take place?! Still just spewed into the ocean? Which is a TOTALLY AWESOME QUESTION!

The answer is YES, they still spew! Most fish use external fertilization, aka dumping their goods into the water on top of each other, and anglerfish are no exception. Scientists think the lady has some hormonal control over when her parasitic testicles release their sperms so timing usually works out well.

Sources

• Dwarfed Males Parasitic on the Females in Oceanic Angler-Fishes (Pediculati Ceratioidea), CT Regan (Proceedings of the Royal Society of London B)
• Oceanic Anglerfishes: Extraordinary Diversity in the Deep Sea, T Pietsch (Book)
• Dimorphism, parasitism, and sex revisited: modes of reproduction among deep-sea ceratioid anglerfishes (Teleostei: Lophiiformes), T Pietsch (Ichtyological Research)

Sexy Science Fact #20 – PEEN BOMBS

BEES!

Arrested Development

I really think bees have the best RANDOM POP CULTURE bits associated with them.

The Wicker Man

BUT SPEAKING OF BITS!

Bees have their own special form of banging. It involves a queen bee doing a fancy mating flight where she gets to frolic with 10 or so drones (bee dudes, not Amazon delivery machines) one after the other. Get it girl!

But what about those drones? They seem pretty okay with the fact that they are not going to be the queens one-and-only and also pretty okay with the fact that after bumping uglies, his uglies are gonna explode way resulting in his death.

Wait, WHAT?

OK so first, he mounts his queen and his inner trouser snake flips to an outtie as he goes for her cave of wonders. Sounds pretty normal so far, right? But the outtie-making requires weird pressure from inside his body so he’s now PARALYZED while INSIDE. But I guess we’ve all been there right? Knocking boots can be INTENSE. BUT THEN he spews his magic juice FORCEFULLY into the queen, resulting in his disco stick EXPLODING OFF inside her. (This helps the jizzjazz stay inside.) He then falls dramatically to his death.

THEN! The queen goes for it again and again. And maybe a few more times tomorrow, storing the swimmers until she’s ready to lay eggs.

Sources

• An anatomical study of the mating process in the Honeybee, J Woyke & F Ruttner (Bee World)
• Asian Honey Bees: Biology, Conservation, and Human Interactions, B Oldroyd & S Wongsiri (Book)

Sexy Science Fact #19 – CLAWED GOLDEN SHOWERS

Maybe you’ve heard that wiz is sterile, but guess what… YOU’RE WRONG. But it’s still probably OK to drink it if you think you’re going to die (maybe? there are arguments against this, but I dunno, I’ve never almost died and if you’re ever in that situation, do you trust the US Army or Bear Grylls more?). If you’re into watersports, you go Glen Coco. Dan Savage says it’s generally safe, especially if you’ve loaded up on beers beforehand.

If you’re human of course.

If you’re a lobster, beer is probably a bad idea? But pissing on your lover is probably not.

Lobsters do some elaborate flirting for each 2-ish-week-fling they get into. This sometimes starts with a fight, as the dude doesn’t realize it’s a lady vying for his attention and spunk, rather than another bubba trying to steal his home. But once she pees on him from her face he realizes all is good and maybe he can get laid now?

Let’s not skip the part about how lobster golden showers come from the face. From their “nephropores”/peeholes:

Breithaupt et al

I love that picture because it looks like the lobster has gone full-on Mr. Burns.

Anyway, after she’s drained her main vein, the lobsterella has hopefully convinced her would-be romeo to stop attacking her and start getting to know her, biblically.

Florida Keys National Marine Sanctuary Facebook

Even though that looks like some hot missionary lobster-on-lobster pounding, lobsters fertilize externally, so there is no PIV happening here, just spew, spew, spew.

 

 

Sources

• Sex-identifying urine and molt signals in lobster (Homarus americanus), J Atema & D Cowan (Journal of Chemical Ecology)
• Urine release in freely moving catheterised lobsters (Homarus americanus) with reference to feeding and social activities, Breithaupt et al (Journal of Experimental Biology)
• Agonistic Behavior in Freshwater Crayfish The Influence of
  Intrinsic and Extrinsic Factors on Aggressive Encounters and Dominance, P Moore (Book Chapter)
• Unknown Life of Lobsters: Sex, Robots, and Beyond, S Markey (National Geographic News)
• Sex, violence, and pee in the face – lobster love turns out to be a smelly business (Fish and Aquatic News)

Sexy Science Fact #18 – CLAM SAUSAGE FEST

I’ve talked about how evolutionary, dudes don’t matter all that much. There are a handful of animals (including spider mites, bdelloid rotifers, and whiptail lizards) that are LADIES ONLY. They make their babies with a few different methods that all result in a chickload of chicks at the end. What we’ve learned is fellas are sometimes not that useful and that you can’t have a species without the fillies.

BUT APPARENTLY THAT IS NOT THE CASE.

In some species of Corbicula clams, they are ALL DUDES. (Yes, I LOVE the irony of an all-boy species being also all-clams.)

Aad van Meerkerk for Dutch Wikipedia

BUT HOW?

These guy-clams are born hermaphrodites (can make both sperm and eggs) and so they selfie in the nature way – meaning they make bebes with their own sperm and eggs. Which isn’t that weird. BUT here’s the weird part. They somehow kick out all of the egg genes during fertilization so they are just sperm clones of each other. All dudes. So these chaps would just be copying themselves forever which is not always the best choice.

Asexuality isn’t that unusual in nature, but one of the big benefits of sex (besides, um, orgasms) is it helps living things have more diversity in their genes, which is generally a plus.

So what these special gentlemen do is they STEAL EGGS FROM OTHER CLAMS. Clam boinking is usually more of a spewing of lady- and dude-spunk into the abyss (or the ocean) and hoping they find each other.

richardong / bostonreefers.org

Sometimes the Corbicula clam might find itself with a foreign egg. Instead of scrambling up an omelette, the clam might go the sexy route and fertilize this egg. He might not successfully eject all of the egg’s genes and POW. New genetic diversity and a possibly weird hybrid-clam that is still mostly Corbicula.

 

 

Sources

• Rare gene capture in predominantly androgenetic species, S Hedtke, et al (PNAS)
• All-male clams escape from genetic canyons by stealing eggs, E Yong (Nat Geo / Phenomena)

Sexy Science Fact #17 – TRIPLE HOO-HAWS

ANATOMY LESSON!

I know you’re all good, well (sex) educated humans and know what a VAGINA is. But just in case you’re unsure, let’s review! Most lady mammals (with a few exceptions) have three holes in their junk region. A boo-hole for poo (also sometimes fun sexy times!), a urethra for wiss (occasionally for sexy fun time, but PLEASE BE CAREFUL if that’s your thing), and a general sexy fun time/baby-makin’ hole – the “vaginal opening” which is part of the vulva. The VAGINA ITSELF is internal.

Here is what it looks like in cows (and it’s similar in most mammals), because cows are funny.

Gyeongsang National University

Unless you’re a gynecologist or spend some time getting really up close and looking inside, you probably haven’t seen a vagina since you were born and passed through. I KNOW that in this blog I use slang words for “vagina” but actually mean vulva sometimes, but TOO BAD. Today we’re being anatomically correct – VAGINA MEANS VAGINA.

Anyway, now that that’s over with, let’s talk about WEIRD VAGINAS.

Specifically the marsupial vageen. Which looks like this:

This picture is everywhere, but I have no idea who drew it. Taken from Not Exactly Rockt Science

Well not exactly like that. That is a weird disembodied genital blob that reminds me of that Treehouse of Horror episode where Homer enters 3D world and doesn’t feel safe till he finds the erotic cakes. (What is up with the squares on the bottom??) But I digress.

Marsupials, the freaky-almost-exclusively-Australian group of mammals, like the kangaroo (which the picture above is based on) have THREE HOO-HAWS. The middle wadge is for the baybay to come through. It’s smushed in there with all three tubes, so the little one has to be very small when it’s born, and then spends time growing in the pouch of its mama. The two side whisker biscuits are for spunk collection – and, fun fact, many male marsupials have double headed schlong so they can cum into both vagoos at the same time! Check out this opossum wang:

Ellen Rathbone / An Adirondak Naturalist in Michigan

Final thought! Horrifyingly, at least to me, kangaroos can be perpetually pregnant. Do you see how they have two uteri in that picture? They can have a spare bun in the oven ready to do it’s thing immediately after they give birth. Some things to think about the next time you see this derpy face.

Fun Online

Sources

• Walker’s Mammals of the World, R Nowak (book)
• Kangaroos Have Three Vaginas, E Yong (Not Exactly Rocket Science)

Sexy Science Fact #16 – DAREDEVIL FOREPLAY

Did you have a great ‘MURICA DAY over the weekend?*

Atomic Mall

I hope you celebrated by eating something deep-fried, setting something on fire (possibly a your deep fryer), drinking too much beer (which is maybe why you set the deep fryer on fire), and of course, the most American thing possible – participating in near-death flirtations like our national emblem!

When bald eagles want to get their feathers twiddled, they must first complete a DEATH-DEFYING DANCE! This involves soaring really high, grabbing each other by the talons, free falling until they almost reach the ground and then releasing each other just to start over and and do it again. This is called “cartwheeling”, because who doesn’t want to associate something children do with raptor sex?

Brad Hill

Once they’re riled up enough, they retreat to a nest for a sexy and delicate cloacal kiss!

Jeffrey Sidle

Now, as you might imagine this can end in tragedy. BUT THIS BLAG IS ONLY ABOUT THE FUNNY. So let’s forget the sad parts and think about how sometimes the eagles get stuck to each other and then fall to the ground embarassed, only to have a set of onlookers appear and take eagle sex selfies.

Seattle Police via Kiro TV

SORRY LOVERS, now everyone knows you’re sloppy at foreplay.

*Lip smushes to all my non-American readers, as well! Who is reading me in Kuwait?? And Turkey?? And Thailand?? You guys are also awesome and I hope you celebrate your country’s independence day however is appropriate for you whenever it is!

Sources

• American Eagle Foundation
• Michigan Department of Natural Resources
• Seattle police: Officer protects crowd from two eagles ‘erotically-entwined’ (Kiro TV)

Sexy Science Fact #15 – LESBIAN LIZARDS

Here at Sexy Science Facts, politics don’t reaaaaally matter. Biology doesn’t care who is president or what is illegal. BUT TODAY we are celebrating last Friday’s SCOTUS marriage equality ruling so today is gonna be GAYYYYY.

picture brought to you by “the internet”

You might know that biologically, DUDES ARE NOT THAT IMPORTANT. You gave some sperm, mister? GOOD FOR YOU, sperm are literally cheaper than a dime a dozen. Eggs take way more energy to produce. Plus, OH YEAH PREGNANCY (in the species that get pregnant).

SORRY BROS, some species can get away without you entirely! There are some populations of whiptail lizards that are ALL LADIES. That’s right! Ovaries before brovaries! Uteruses before duderises! (NOTE: lizards do not actually have uteruses – just stealing some Knope-isms for funsies.)

This means that these lizards make babies WITHOUT any, ahem, input from a fella. Their bodies just magically (biologically, actually) make a baby lizard SOLO. Parthenogenesis.

Tim and Eric

Almost.

The one thing that they can’t seem to shake, evolutionarily, is the drive for doinking. These lassie lizards will mount each other and scratch the record before laying eggs, which has some sort of hormonal effect on ovulation making babies more likely. Also, sex is fun, so let’s not rule that out either!

Tino Mauricio / Mudfooted

BONUS NERD FACT! Sex is not only fun, but also results in a larger gene pool than asexual reproduction because offspring get a mix of genes from each parent, which is useful. Most animals have two copies of each chromosome. Whiptail lizards have extra copies of their chromosomes so their babes are not just direct clones of their mamas, they get a unique mix of chromosomes as well!

Sources

• Scientists examine why men even exist, R Feltman (Washington Post)
• Evolution and Learning, R Bolles & M Beecher (Book)
• Sister chromosome pairing maintains heterozygosity in parthenogenetic lizards, A Lutes, et al (Nature)
• Behavioral facilitation of reproduction in sexual and unisexual whiptail lizards, D Crews, et al (PNAS)
• Regulation of Pseudosexual Behavior in the Parthenogenetic Whiptail Lizard, Cnemidophorus uniparens, B Dias & D Crews (Endocrinology)

Sexy Science Fact #14 – PENGUIN BOUDOIR

I’m not going to lie, if every time I went for a frolic in the cornfield all I could see was this staring back and judging my every move:

Lil Snappers

I would probs be overall much less interested in such activities.

So why should we expect different feelings from our zoo friends? I mean really, it sounds kind of like a creepy Vonnegut dystopia, right? (That’s probably the fanciest literary reference that will ever be made on this site.) It’s NO WONDER the animals want don’t want to make poppop in front of us.

So the New England Aquarium has created special BOUDOIR SUITES for their endangered African penguins. These guys:

freestock.ca / Wikimedia

Clearly very sexual beings, but also shy! So now they have their own special “igloo-style homes and other private nooks” for the PRIVATEST OF SEXY TIMES!

But in case you just HAVE TO KNOW, this is probably what it looks like inside those igloos:

for the life of me I cannot find any kind of source, sorry

Sources

• New England Aquarium offering penguins ‘honeymoon suites’ (Associated Press)
• New England Aquarium

Sexy Science Fact #13 – BEAR BLOWIES

NOT TODAY, JIM SCHRUTE!

Today is all Bears. Bangin’. Blowin’ the boys. That’s right! BEEJS!

This chill fuzz ball is a brown bear.

Paul Bischoff / wikimedia

What a stoner! I kid. Or who knows? Anyway, there are two brown bears (not the one above) who are living in a sanctuary in Croatia. These fellas have lived there since they were wee little brown bearlets. The best of friends maybe? The opening to a new Disney animal friend-com?

NOT SO FAST.

These bears have been face fucking. Or at least one has been giving hummers to the other. For literally years. And when I say “hummer” I also mean that the “provider” (as they call him in the article) makes a humming sound while playing his friend’s flesh flute. The researchers observed the bears for six years (voyeurs!) and saw the provider open his pal’s legs, suck away, and finish up with a “foamy white liquid around the muzzle” – spunk, spit, or both!

Sergiel et al

BUT WHY? Well, (a) why not? Sex can be fun! It’s possible these bears are just doin’ it for funsies. And (b) they were both brought to the sanctuary very early – before they finished weaning. So it’s possible one started going down on his buddy because he was searching for nipples and then it just became their life. We don’t really know.

But who cares? Because now google knows you were looking at a website with the phrase “bear blow jobs” in it!

Sources

• Fellatio in captive brown bears: Evidence of long-term effects of suckling deprivation?, A Sergiel et al (Zoobiology)
• Why are these bears having oral sex?, J Goldman (i09)

Sexy Science Fact #11 – BANG ANCHORS

Captain Obvious Sez: “Whales don’t have legs.” DUH. If they did, they’d look hilarious, as you can see by this picture of me riding a legged whale:

Doomgirl333 / Deviantart

JUST KIDDING. That picture isn’t of me. Thanks Doomgirl333 for letting me borrow your drawing!

Anyway, whales don’t have legs. This is common knowledge… probably? But did you know that WHALE ANCESTORS WALKED AND HAD LEGS? CRAZY. So whales still have some of these leg-bone-like-things in their skeletons.

University of Arkansas

VESTIGIAL means evolutionarily useless (though maybe useful in the evolutionary past). So like human coccyx, eyes in blind cavefish, or your ex’s brain HEY-O. See that pelvis? Vestigial! Pelvises support legs. Whales have no legs. So whale pelvises are useless. Thanks for reading.

WAIT! IS IT OVER?? THIS IS THE LEAST SEXY SEXY SCIENCE FACT EVER???!

Calm yo tits! THE SEXY PART COMES NOW!

That pelvis MAYBE HAS A USE AFTER ALL! If you know anything about whale love staffs, you might know they are huge and prehensile(ish). But to help whales with the figurative motion in the ocean, their winkles are anchored to their pelvic bones, helping them wiggle their pickle for easier banging! BANG ANCHORS. BANCHORS. NEW BAND NAME, I CALL IT.

Modified from Dines et al 2014

Also, the bigger the BANCHORS, the bigger the balls. Or the bigger the balls, the bigger the BANCHORS. Even when accounting for size of the whale! So a small whale with huge beanbags will also have huge pelvic bones, huger than you’d expect based on their size.

So… check out those SUPER HOT pelvic bones! If that’s what you’re into! Maybe you’re into small pelvic bones! It’s your call! All bodies are beautiful! *sexy cat noise*

Sources

• Sexual selection targets cetacean pelvic bones, Dines et al (Evolution)
• Long-forgotten secrets of whale sex revealed, Feltrman (Washington Post)