Tag Archives: record setting

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Sexy Science Fact #9 – PANDA PORN

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Remember when I was asked to write about penguins a few weeks ago? Well, that same person actually requested penguins OR pandas. And my thought was “HAHAHA PANDAS ARE LIKE THE LEAST SEXY ANIMALS EVER! They won’t even bang to save their own species! So shy! So vanilla! So prudish!”

WELL GUESS WHAT, I gotta eat my own words.

Pandas are totes sexy.

So sexy in fact, that earlier this year, these two were doin’ the nasty for SEVEN MINUTES AND FORTY FIVE SECONDS!

RAWR. That is a new PANDA RECORD! And that is also longer (much longer) than the average American male lasts. So good job, Enduring Brother (as they are calling him), and also PROPS to Enduring Lady Panda / Takes A Pounding Like A Champ Lady Panda (it feels weird to call her “sister”…) as well, who probably was not expecting that!

BONUS! APPARENTLY PANDAS ARE ACTUALLY SEXY FOR MORE REASONS TOO. They whack it!

Last year, a male panda was captured on film (probably) polishing his flute after a (particularly satisfying?) meal of bamboo. Oh yes, on film. It looks exactly like you would expect. If you are the kind of person who can imagine such things.


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Sexy Science Fact #7 – MUSICAL GENITALS

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Today we’re talking about the SWEET TUNES of the lesser water boatman, a tiny aquatic insect. These little buggers are about 2mm long and look like this:

LOOK AT THAT FACE. THOSE PRECIOUS MOMENTS EYES. THOSE LITTLE SWIMMING LEGS.

The dudes (and I’m using dude in the gendered way here, not in the “later dudes” way that I might use when talking to you dudes) can “sing” at volumes as high as 100db, which is as loud as a motorcycle or lawn mower. All that volume coming from such a tiny bro! This is for sure the loudest sound to body size ratio in animals. Pretty fly for a fly guy, amirite?

But wait! This is SEXY SCIENCE FACTS. Who cares about this junk?

Remember how sing was in quotes above? I don’t know why every article calls it singing. What this macho man is doing is literally RUBBING HIS WEEWEE across his basically WASHBOARD ABS to make this noise. What would that even be called? Weewee abs tunes? Xylopeen? Musical genitals?

This picture makes me uncomfortable. Imagine it’s a tiny adorable insect instead.

Now think about a human male doing the water boatman thing. It is hilarious and also horrifying. There is no science in that statement, I just wanted you to think about it.

WANT MORE? Here is a sound recording of it:

OH WAIT, this one is better!


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Sexy Science Fact #0 – PEEP SIZE

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It’s always healthy to ask… who is the most well endowed? The answer is… IT DEPENDS!

Blue whales have the largest penises in terms of size/volume, at about 8 feet long (yipe!) but let’s remember that to get accurate measurements, SOMEONE HAS TO SIDLE UP TO THAT DORK WITH A MEASURING TAPE, so this is just an estimate.

African Elephants have the largest land animal weenie (3-4 feet/90-120 cm? longer? conflicting reports) and they can weight over 60 lbs/27kg!

Banana slugs, in particular Ariolimax dolichophallus (the specific epithet of that name meaning literally LONG DONG), can have hot dogs that are 3-5 inches/6-11 cm long… nearly as long as their body!

Most birds are dong-less, but the Argentine blue-bill duck has the longest vertebrate wang to body side ratio (about 1:1), meaning its corkscrew schlong is about 1.3 feet/42 cm long.

And the mighty barnacle! It (they are hermaphrodites) has the longest pecker to body size ratio at about 8-10:1, not 40:1 as lots of the internet claims, still impressive!

Here is some HOT BARNACLE PORN for your viewing pleasure:

Mating barnacles from Casey Dunn on Vimeo.

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