Are you AWESOME at BONING? If your answer is “yes,” good for you! Let’s hope you’re not lying to yourself! If your answer is “no,” that’s OK! You know how you get good at something? Mom says you get good by practicing. THANKS FOR THE TIP MOM! (Just the tip?) (Not apologizing for that.) But if you think about the amount of practice you have in your EVOLUTIONARY HISTORY, you should really be an expert.
For reals, how long HAVE we been boning? If you’re asking “we” as in humans, the answer is somewhere between 200,000 and 2,500,000 years ago, depending on exactly who you want to claim as your oldest grandpappy. If you’re asking “we” as in vertebrates (and I’m super sure this is what you meant by that question), the answer is about 385 million years.
Microbrachius dicki (not a typo! I can’t make this stuff up!) is a species of armored fish that lived during the Devonian. As far as we know, they were the first vertebrate to go full on PIV. The homeboys had claspers which were used to grab on to their chickadee’s cooch-area and then presumably splooged inside.
All the other dudefishes at the time were just splooging into the water as the ladyfishes were splooging eggs into the water at the same time. (Can one “splooge” eggs? Sure, why not.) So WAY TO GO M. dicki! CHANGING SEX FOREVER!
But look, this was a super adorbs relationship these feeshes had. They maybe HELD HANDS while banging! How sweet is that??
You know what’s next, right? READY FOR THE FISH PORN??
Skip to 0:20 for the flirting and 0:30 for the money shot!
Sources
Sexy Science Facts 