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Sexy Science Fact #21 – SPERM PARASITES

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Deep sea anglerfish look like a shrunken head with long teeth and a flashlight popping out.

So basically they look like a horror movie wrapped in a nightmare. Which is maybe unfair, but SORRY NOT SORRY ANGLERFISH? Sometimes you look like snot instead, maybe that is better?

But sometimes that is just how it goes. But I know, I know. You are just searching for love. And by searching for, I mean waiting for love to find them. And by love, I mean a set of testicles.

Those fishies above are the LADIES and they are seeking a bang buddy. Or two. Or three. Or whatever. They swim around leaving their scent in their path.

The dudes, the tiny little dudes, have big eyes and nostrils and are swimming through the deep dark waters hoping for a whiff or glance of a sexy mama. And once they find her, they LATCH ON FOR LIFE and become a literal part of their woman.

These teeny swimmers absorb INTO their wifey. They basically don’t have any organs other than ‘nads, so they get all of their life-sustaining goods (food! oxygen!) from their host/sugar mama.

Remember that picture of the snot-fish? That little blob on top? That’s her sugarbaby.

anglerfish with parasitic male circled

modified from above

They in turn provide her with a supply of their own teeny swimmers, so all the hard work of finding a baby daddy is done!

Here is a weird-ass Animal Planet video that has an animation of how this would work with humans?? Because that is clearly what we need here.

BUT THERE’S MORE! And by more, I mean more sperm. Because sometimes she will end up with more than one fella attached.

anglerfish with attacked males

no good source for this, sorry!

Get it gurrrl!

EDIT! Someone asked: But where does fertilization take place?! Still just spewed into the ocean? Which is a TOTALLY AWESOME QUESTION!

The answer is YES, they still spew! Most fish use external fertilization, aka dumping their goods into the water on top of each other, and anglerfish are no exception. Scientists think the lady has some hormonal control over when her parasitic testicles release their sperms so timing usually works out well.

Sources

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Sexy Science Fact #10 – DEVONIAN HUMPING

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Are you AWESOME at BONING? If your answer is “yes,” good for you! Let’s hope you’re not lying to yourself! If your answer is “no,” that’s OK! You know how you get good at something? Mom says you get good by practicing. THANKS FOR THE TIP MOM! (Just the tip?) (Not apologizing for that.) But if you think about the amount of practice you have in your EVOLUTIONARY HISTORY, you should really be an expert.

For reals, how long HAVE we been boning? If you’re asking “we” as in humans, the answer is somewhere between 200,000 and 2,500,000 years ago, depending on exactly who you want to claim as your oldest grandpappy. If you’re asking “we” as in vertebrates (and I’m super sure this is what you meant by that question), the answer is about 385 million years.

Microbrachius dicki (not a typo! I can’t make this stuff up!) is a species of armored fish that lived during the Devonian. As far as we know, they were the first vertebrate to go full on PIV. The homeboys had claspers which were used to grab on to their chickadee’s cooch-area and then presumably splooged inside.

All the other dudefishes at the time were just splooging into the water as the ladyfishes were splooging eggs into the water at the same time. (Can one “splooge” eggs? Sure, why not.) So WAY TO GO M. dicki! CHANGING SEX FOREVER!

But look, this was a super adorbs relationship these feeshes had. They maybe HELD HANDS while banging! How sweet is that??

You know what’s next, right? READY FOR THE FISH PORN??

Skip to 0:20 for the flirting and 0:30 for the money shot!

 

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