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Sexy Science Fact #29 – GOBBLER GANGS

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It’s the most delicious week in AMERICA! In a few short days, we’re gonna gather with our extended families, eat ungodly amounts of carbs, and hope no one gets too drunk and starts a scene. And of course: turkey.

Anyway, the dude turkeys during mating season are actually literally called “gobblers.” Like… I don’t even have to look up an old-fashioned-but-hilarious name for these bros. THANKS, LANGUAGE!

So when the gobbler wants to get his giblets rocked, he forms a fabulous gang.

In the gang, there is an alpha gobbler and some of his literal bros and/or cousins. They work together with their fancy tailfeathers to hopefully attract themselves a lady.

But in the end, it is only the alpha gobbler who gets the all goodies while the rest of the gobblers go gravy-less. This may seem like a bummer, but it’s probs due to “kin selection“, meaning when bros help bros (or, insert any gender combination here), genes they share get passed on.

But like, Finn and Jake are not really very closely related. So it doesn’t quite hold up as well for them.

Anyway, happy turkey day!

 

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Sexy Science Fact #16 – DAREDEVIL FOREPLAY

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Did you have a great ‘MURICA DAY over the weekend?*

I hope you celebrated by eating something deep-fried, setting something on fire (possibly a your deep fryer), drinking too much beer (which is maybe why you set the deep fryer on fire), and of course, the most American thing possible – participating in near-death flirtations like our national emblem!

When bald eagles want to get their feathers twiddled, they must first complete a DEATH-DEFYING DANCE! This involves soaring really high, grabbing each other by the talons, free falling until they almost reach the ground and then releasing each other just to start over and and do it again. This is called “cartwheeling”, because who doesn’t want to associate something children do with raptor sex?

Once they’re riled up enough, they retreat to a nest for a sexy and delicate cloacal kiss!

Now, as you might imagine this can end in tragedy. BUT THIS BLAG IS ONLY ABOUT THE FUNNY. So let’s forget the sad parts and think about how sometimes the eagles get stuck to each other and then fall to the ground embarassed, only to have a set of onlookers appear and take eagle sex selfies.

SORRY LOVERS, now everyone knows you’re sloppy at foreplay.

*Lip smushes to all my non-American readers, as well! Who is reading me in Kuwait?? And Turkey?? And Thailand?? You guys are also awesome and I hope you celebrate your country’s independence day however is appropriate for you whenever it is!

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Sexy Science Fact #8 – DINO DONGS

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DINO DONGS?? That is not a typo for what your doorbell says. It is instead… the million dollar question! (Or maybe 65 million year old question?) For the record, I do not suggest you google image “dinosaur penis“.

Peens are made of soft tissue… yes I said “peen” and “soft” in the same sentence. HILARIOUS is what I do. Anyway! Soft tissue doesn’t generally fossilize well*, and no one has ever actually found a dinosaur willie. But if you care at all about evolution and fossils, you might know that no fossil does not equal no evidence.

Birds and crocodiles are the closest bros of dinosaurs. Birds are descended from dinosaurs (theropods, specifically), so technically, you’re actually getting a bucket of Kentucky Fried Dinosaur. Think about that. From majestic Argentinosaurus to… this…

ANYWAY! Most birds actually don’t have weewees (see Sexy Science Fact #2). But the most ancestral groups (ostriches and waterfowl) do! In case you want to see something horrifying, this is what an ostrich wang looks like:

Crocodiles, the closest non-dinos to dinos, also have peepers, and in case you were curious what a croc handy-j might look like, here you go:

SO because dino relatives have the D, we can assume that dinos probably also had the D. DINO-D. Maybe someday someone will unearth one!

FUN FACT! Scientists have really no idea how dinosaurs banged. There are lots of theories, but basically how the larger/heavier and pointier dinos got their weiners/cloacas close enough to pass spunk is anyone’s guess.

*This is pretty much my favorite story from my Real Job. When I teach kids about fossils, I talk about how they are formed and use myself as an example. “First, I would have to die. Then usually all my soft parts are either eaten or rot away, so all that is left are hard parts – my bone, teeth, and nails.” And one time one kid raised her hand and was like, “And your heart!” And I was like, goddamn little kid, how did you figure out my heart was made of stone THAT FAST.


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Sexy Science Fact #2 – CLOACAL KISSES

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BIRDS! Some of them (ducks) have ding dongs. But most don’t. Instead, ladies and dudes both have *triumphant music* A CLOACA! Also known as an “everything hole”. For, you know, sexy stuff (sperm! eggs!) and less sexy stuff (poop! unless that’s something you find sexy! in which case…. good for you? just make sure to wash up afterwards, and never switch holes without washing up or changing to a new condom!).

But if there is no penetration and no spawning (birds don’t spawn, ok?), THEN WHAT HAPPENS? The answer, my lovelies, is the CLOACAL KISS. Which is exactly what it sounds like. Boohole to boohole! And spunk gets passed through. It looks something like this:

 

The male is on top, and the female is on the bottom. He reaches his boohole around and she lifts her tail up and pop! That’s it. The cloacal kiss lasts a few seconds at most. Weak.

FUN FACT! I saw pigeons doin’ it once as I was pulling into my driveway. They stopped and flew away and I felt bad for interrupting the dirty dance, but then I learned it was probably over anyway so NO BIG!


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