Sexy Science Fact #14 – PENGUIN BOUDOIR

I’m not going to lie, if every time I went for a frolic in the cornfield all I could see was this staring back and judging my every move:

Lil Snappers

I would probs be overall much less interested in such activities.

So why should we expect different feelings from our zoo friends? I mean really, it sounds kind of like a creepy Vonnegut dystopia, right? (That’s probably the fanciest literary reference that will ever be made on this site.) It’s NO WONDER the animals want don’t want to make poppop in front of us.

So the New England Aquarium has created special BOUDOIR SUITES for their endangered African penguins. These guys:

freestock.ca / Wikimedia

Clearly very sexual beings, but also shy! So now they have their own special “igloo-style homes and other private nooks” for the PRIVATEST OF SEXY TIMES!

But in case you just HAVE TO KNOW, this is probably what it looks like inside those igloos:

for the life of me I cannot find any kind of source, sorry

Sources

• New England Aquarium offering penguins ‘honeymoon suites’ (Associated Press)
• New England Aquarium

Sexy Science Fact #13 – BEAR BLOWIES

NOT TODAY, JIM SCHRUTE!

Today is all Bears. Bangin’. Blowin’ the boys. That’s right! BEEJS!

This chill fuzz ball is a brown bear.

Paul Bischoff / wikimedia

What a stoner! I kid. Or who knows? Anyway, there are two brown bears (not the one above) who are living in a sanctuary in Croatia. These fellas have lived there since they were wee little brown bearlets. The best of friends maybe? The opening to a new Disney animal friend-com?

NOT SO FAST.

These bears have been face fucking. Or at least one has been giving hummers to the other. For literally years. And when I say “hummer” I also mean that the “provider” (as they call him in the article) makes a humming sound while playing his friend’s flesh flute. The researchers observed the bears for six years (voyeurs!) and saw the provider open his pal’s legs, suck away, and finish up with a “foamy white liquid around the muzzle” – spunk, spit, or both!

Sergiel et al

BUT WHY? Well, (a) why not? Sex can be fun! It’s possible these bears are just doin’ it for funsies. And (b) they were both brought to the sanctuary very early – before they finished weaning. So it’s possible one started going down on his buddy because he was searching for nipples and then it just became their life. We don’t really know.

But who cares? Because now google knows you were looking at a website with the phrase “bear blow jobs” in it!

Sources

• Fellatio in captive brown bears: Evidence of long-term effects of suckling deprivation?, A Sergiel et al (Zoobiology)
• Why are these bears having oral sex?, J Goldman (i09)

Ack!

This week’s post will be a day late! Very sorry, but here’s a cloaca I drew to hold you over:

Sexy Science Fact #10 – DEVONIAN HUMPING

Are you AWESOME at BONING? If your answer is “yes,” good for you! Let’s hope you’re not lying to yourself! If your answer is “no,” that’s OK! You know how you get good at something? Mom says you get good by practicing. THANKS FOR THE TIP MOM! (Just the tip?) (Not apologizing for that.) But if you think about the amount of practice you have in your EVOLUTIONARY HISTORY, you should really be an expert.

For reals, how long HAVE we been boning? If you’re asking “we” as in humans, the answer is somewhere between 200,000 and 2,500,000 years ago, depending on exactly who you want to claim as your oldest grandpappy. If you’re asking “we” as in vertebrates (and I’m super sure this is what you meant by that question), the answer is about 385 million years.

Microbrachius dicki (not a typo! I can’t make this stuff up!) is a species of armored fish that lived during the Devonian. As far as we know, they were the first vertebrate to go full on PIV. The homeboys had claspers which were used to grab on to their chickadee’s cooch-area and then presumably splooged inside.

All the other dudefishes at the time were just splooging into the water as the ladyfishes were splooging eggs into the water at the same time. (Can one “splooge” eggs? Sure, why not.) So WAY TO GO M. dicki! CHANGING SEX FOREVER!

But look, this was a super adorbs relationship these feeshes had. They maybe HELD HANDS while banging! How sweet is that??

Long et al

You know what’s next, right? READY FOR THE FISH PORN??

Skip to 0:20 for the flirting and 0:30 for the money shot!

 

Sources

• Copulation in antiarch placoderms and the origin of gnathostome internal fertilization, Long et al (Nature)

 

Unsexy Unscience – Tech Woes

It appears images are not working on SOME mobile devices. I think it may be just if you are using Chrome on mobile. It appears that images hosted by WordPress are working no matter what, so I guess that is the new plan. You win this round, WordPress.

Anyway, SORRY BROS. All future posts will have WordPress images, and I’ll get around to fixing the existing posts sooner or later.

Sexy Science Fact #1 – QUADRO-DONGS!

Echidnas are freaky, sorry I mean Australian, mammals that look like anteaters but are actually weird. They have cloacas, like birds, and also like birds lay eggs. The hombres have a FOUR HEADED willy.

WARNING THIS IMAGE IS GRAPHIC AND CREEPY!
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DON’T SAY I DIDN’T WARN YOU, PEOPLE!

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LAST CHANCE TO BAIL!
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image source: National Geographic

But let’s hear it for the LADIES! They have a sort of double branched magic tunnel. Only two of the four heads are used at at time during mating because… where would the other two go?? And apparently the heads switch off. So 1 and 2 are used first, then 3 and 4 used next (imagine they are numbered left to right?), and sometimes they are used in succession with the same dame! POW POW POW POW!

Bonus! Scientists really have no idea what’s going on with echidna sex or why this evolved.

Sources

• The Tasmanian Echidna’s Four-Headed Penis, Lucy Cooke (National Geographic)
• Adaptations of the short-beaked echidna Tachyglossus aculateus for sperm production, particularly in an arid environment., RC Jones, et al (Australian Mammology)